frm

What Scares You? The Halloween and Existential Dread Thread

  • Broken record but I’m deathly afraid of heights. It gets worse as I get older. When I saw Point Break when I was 18 I was like - I want to be like those guys it’s all I want out of life. I had a male crush on all the cast members and was obsessed with that film and started testing myself and overcoming my fear of heights but I think I did it too much and now I can’t climb a ladder. Billdo can attest. I couldn’t even climb on the chicken coop house and that was like 6 feet. Then I started crying when I got my foot stuck in the ladder and he had to tip me over to get me free. I shrieked like a baby the whole time.

  • Spiders

  • Letting a woman get to know my endless neurosises and quirks. At this point I think I’d rather just die alone than have a potential SO find out about my weird ass wiping obsession, not to mention my crippling poverty and debt. And no I’m not gonna go be a truck, or lorry, driver to climb out of it. BTDT, I almost killed myself. I’ll work fast food first.

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Also I have ED

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Chester, how many threads have you started about “what scares you”?

What I’m driving at here is that you’re a pussy and in order to prove otherwise you must meet me in battle on the Pelennor fields.

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I’m afraid of Americans

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Like spyder says, any forum activity is good forum activity.

I’m afraid of my career in science ending, which seems more and more likely. I can’t imagine waking up and not being a researcher, even though I don’t even necessarily like it anymore. Like, it’s just becomes a central way of how I define myself, and changing that seems unthinkable. My resistance to change is probably one of the things that has kept me in the game for so long.

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what would you do if it ended?

I have episodes of heavy duty paranoia where I think everyone is talking about me, laughing at me, making up plots to humiliate me. When it gets real bad I have ideas-of-reference delusions and thought-broadcasting delusions. I fear being watched too closely and obsessively, and I fear being embarrassed.

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I fear that one morning I’ll wake up and frm will be gone!!

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Through therapy I have concluded the fears of being stared at and ridiculed are because I am uncomfortable with being a homosexual.

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i have never heard anyone say one bad word about you in the entire time i’ve known you. if you ever come up, it’s to sing your praises!

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He’s the scourge of North Chicago.

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Yeah, that’s another defense mechanism reaction I talk about in therapy. If I’m the nicest, goodest guy in the whole wide world nobody will be able to hate me and ridicule me! They won’t have the ammunition!

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well obviously that makes you a huge piece of shit!

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A big PHONY

You need to let them see a nefarious side.

Kick a pit bull.

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Fucked if I know, really. I have not given it as much thought as I should. For a very long time I had not considered anything research-adjacent to be a possibility (sales, technical support, even working as a technical specialist for a microscope company, scientific writing, etc), since in my mind they all serve the research community and it would be a thorn in my side to feel like I never ‘made it’. But now it seems like I will never make it, and also that making it kind of sucks, since the higher up the academic ladder you go, the more bullshit you need to deal with in lots of ways.

I have mellowed a bit and am now considering looking into private industry positions in biotech and pharma companies. Honestly, the amount of creative and intellectual energy that my work sucks out of me means that I am unable to really be a balanced and rounded person. I mean, I still wouldn’t be a balanced person even if I had a less demanding job, but maybe I could have more hobbies and healthy ways of defining success and achievement.

Also, I use the term demanding in a very narrow, privileged sense. My mother worked for 35 years on her feet for 9 hours a day in a supermarket, 20 of those with a bad back and neck. That’s a far more demanding job in my mind than what I do.

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